What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:19
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Who then, do I blame.?
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
I waited trembling.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She found it foreign!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.